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The Amsterdam Casual sex guide

The Amsterdam Casual sex guide (Photo: Thinkstock)

The sun has been shining in Amsterdam, everywhere I look I see what appears to be the new fashion trend here, micro hot pants, or as the Jamaicans call them ‘batty riders.’ Here’s a tip for my female readers. If you’re wearing a backless dress, invest in a bra with a transparent strap, a thick colored one just ruins the aesthetic appeal of such an outfit, other than that, the sight of lots of fine Dutch Antelope, wearing not much at all on these hot days, always brings a smile to the face of the Shallow Man.

The heat affects people in many ways and according to the geeks at Google, one of the most popular search queries at the moment is…… casual sex. So after lots of selfless research the Shallow Man presents the casual sex guide.

The definition of casual sex

According to Wikipedia casual sex can be defined as follows.

“A casual sexual relationship, casual relationship, or casual dating, is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have casual sex or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship.”

Below is a guide to some of the people that are not averse to encounters of the casual kind.

Miss Friends With Benefits

Miss friends with benefits has incredibly high standards for the type of man that she wishes to spend the rest of her life with. A guy with a normal job just isn’t good enough, she’s holding out for the type of man who only exists in the pages of Privé. So until Mr Right comes along (never), she only has friends with benefits, men who she doesn’t particularly want to be seen in public with, but who she’ll allow to visit her at home, in the early hours of the morning for ear bleedingly loud rampant sex.

Now that’s what I call a win/win

Now that’s what I call a win/win

Mr Friends with Benefits

He’s terrified of commitment. He had a serious relationship once, but this reduced the time he had available to use his gaming console and go out with his friends. He’d sooner be independent. So on a regular basis he finds himself servicing Miss Friends with Benefits, whom he regards as being a bit like his local Thai restaurant, convenient, a bit spicy and worth visiting two or three times a month. He’s sure he’ll have a serious relationship one day (he won’t), but until then is happy the way he is. (He keeps telling himself).

Miss Tinder

Miss Tinder loves flirting, is spontaneous and is looking for a bit of fun. Which is why when the mood takes her (and she’s had one or three drinks too many) she finds herself vigorously doing creative things to the tinder date of the moment. Her only complaint is that all of the men she meets start off being nice when texting, but when they meet in person, they just want sex. Curiously enough she ends up not dating them for long as she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone like herself. She’s not in the least a bit confused.

So many choices but I don’t want a man that wants the same as me

So many choices but I don’t want a man that wants the same as me

Mr Tinder

Mr Tinder can’t believe his luck. There are so many women on Tinder getting in touch with him that he finds it difficult to keep track of who he should be dating from one day to the next. He was never religious before but now finds himself regularly praising the lord for Tinder.

He tried online dating but there was far too much competition from other men on the sites. Getting a date could take weeks of pretending to like cats/dogs/hamsters and museums. It was painstaking and slow going. Since he discovered Tinder he’s been making out like a pickpocket at Amsterdam Gay Pride. His only complaint is that he’s tired, so tired.

Mr and Mrs Swinger Club

One part of this couple is extremely highly sexed, the other partner also has a healthy sex drive, but is somewhat passive. He or she has allowed their partner to talk them into visiting a swinger club and – once there – found that they quite enjoyed it. Once in awhile they go to such clubs or special private parties and indulge in casual copulation with complete strangers. (Warning: The Shallow Man has been told that the majority of people at such clubs are of the calibre that you want to ask them to put their clothes back on.)

Not to be confused with Ms Swinger Club, a single lady that loves living life to the full, who has gone along out of complete curiosity and enjoyed it. Or Mr Swinger Club, a man whose personality acts as a natural contraceptive and whose only hope of having sex is to go to a swinger club and hope that some female will take pity on him. Mr Swinger Club is a multitasker as he is also known as……

Mr Hoerenloper

This is a man who is happy to be living in Amsterdam, where there are numerous red light districts throughout the city. The hoerenloper, comes in many forms. Sometimes he’s in a serious relationship and is bored and looking for excitement. Although why having sex with a woman that does this for a living is deemed to be exciting is a bit of a mystery. He’s often also a man that can’t even get a match on Tinder so makes use of the oldest service industry in existence, or he’s just plain lazy, and likes the convenience of an emotionless fumble in a rancid smelling room. Can be seen walking away from such places at speed with his head held down and avoiding eye contact with any passing women parking their bikes nearby. Mr Hoerenloper sleeps very well at night. The fact that the fornication he pays for might have been provided by some desperate girl, smuggled into Amsterdam and intimidated to hand over every cent she earns, doesn’t even cross his mind, it’s just business.

Mr Happy Ending

Considers himself a distant relative of Mr Hoerenloper, when in fact they are brothers. Mr Happy Ending only goes to “massage salons” not brothels or red light windows. He pays for a massage with a little “relief” at the end because he’s too lazy to do it himself. Years of such behavior has made him a selfish lover who regards five minutes as being a marathon session. If you’re ever invited by a man to a lotion party, respectfully decline.

One party invite you might want to turn down

One party invite you might want to turn down

Mr or Mrs Opportunist

Mr and Mrs Opportunist are usually married or in serious relationships. They’d never dream of having an affair, but while in Amsterdam visiting friends, family or just there on business, will seize the opportunity for a no-strings one-off encounter. Often found in Rembrandtplein or Leidseplein or Hotel bars.

The above are but some of the character types found in this wonderful city and are all based on real people. No makers of contraceptive products were hurt during the writing of this post.

 

This article is previously published on Amsterdam Shallow Man.

 

 

Simon Woolcot

Simon Woolcot

Writer, Freelance journalist at Amsterdam Shallow Man
I began my expat journey when I moved to Amsterdam for a six month assignment ten years ago. No longer a hamster on the corporate wheel, I am the author of two books, The Amsterdam Confessions of a Shallow Man, and The Shallow Man Guide to Dating the Dutch. I also work as freelance journalist for a number of publications and as well as presenting a show on English Breakfast Radio.
Simon Woolcot

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