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How to be a Dutch person.

Dutch

You’re new to The Netherlands and you want to blend in. This is how you do it!

20 Steps On How To Be Dutch.

  • Get yourself a bicycle and break every single rule of the road. Everyone will know you’re a foreigner if you wait at traffic lights.
  • Buy as much denim clothing as you can and wear them all at once. Double denim is highly regarded here.Dutch
  • Always serve coffee with a small biscuit to your guests. If you do not do this, bad things will happen.
  • Want to hold a dinner party? Sure! Just make sure your guests know about it at least 6 weeks ahead of time.
  • Never show up unexpected – I advise calling your local Albert Heijn to let them know you’re on your way to buy some white asparagus. (Of course do this at least 6 weeks in advance.)
  • Tolerance is not simply a virtue, it is a national duty.
  • Make sure you keep all your window curtains open, even at night. If you close them you got something to hide!
  • Do not look into other peoples houses. Try to avoid eye contact with the owner if you can’t resist a peek.
  • The phrase, ‘That is not possible.’ Is how customer service employees say, ‘Hello’ on the phone.Dutch
  • When you first meet someone, you shake their hand. After that you must greet and depart with three kisses on the cheek of every person in the room.
  • At birthday parties you must congratulate everyone who isn’t the birthday boy/girl.
  • Start drinking coffee. Even better get a coffee drip inserted into your arm.
  • Practice your finger wagging. After a week, your finger will be able to lift a 200lb weight.
  • In supermarkets, the ‘red’ milk (karne) is buttermilk. Drink this. (Even if you don’t like it.)
  • Tell everyone what you really think and feel. No matter who it is or what you say.
  • As soon as the sun is out, get up super early and find the sunniest terrace and stay there all day.
  • You must own at least one orange item of clothing, have a flag pole outside your house and have a Dutch flag.
  • If you’re stuck in a room with two Dutch people, quickly start a debate with them. You may even start a political party or a movement.Dutch
  • Make sure to have a bench or a small table immediately outside your front door, even if you have an adequate back garden. Sit here if you didn’t get up early enough to find a spot on a sunny terrace in town.
  • If you’re going on holiday, make sure you’re staying in a caravan and take as many Dutch items with you. You don’t want to eat any French cheese when Dutch cheese is perfect.

How Dutch are you then?

 

Katie Joy
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Katie Joy

Editor in Chief at expatsHaarlem
Katie Joy was born and raised in London and now lives in Haarlem with her partner and their two cats. Katie Joy runs her own handmade jewelry business from home. She enjoys exploring Haarlem, trying new places to eat and drink and likes to immerse herself into the Dutch lifestyle.
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5 replies
  1. Edna
    Edna says:

    Haha ! I love this article. The sarcasm is good, however I must say, many a true word are said in jest.

  2. bread lover
    bread lover says:

    Well, I am German so I take al this rules very seriously and I have a perfect klic with my Dutch neighbours! Sarcasm doesn´t mean it´s not true 🙂

  3. Wild Yough
    Wild Yough says:

    And it’s not a REAL Dutch birthday party unless you pull all of the chairs from throughout the house into a circle in the living room. You must also provide small (very small) bowls of potato chips which should be placed in the middle of the circle.

  4. froontje
    froontje says:

    Funny how you see the Dutch (with a small sense of sarcasm I may hope), I slightly disagree with the 3 kisses on the cheek though…not everyone does it, I do it only when I don’t see my friends often/ see them after a long time. Other than that, pretty much accurate!

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