Are Dutch men the worst lovers in Europe?

Do you know the feeling when you think there’s something wrong with you but you’re actually convinced that the problem is the other person?This is what I felt the first time I experienced the Dutch way of making love. Same story the second time, the third… and pretty much all the other occasions I got the chance to get naked with a Dutchie. Lucky me, ah? Well, according to the web and a few researches; I was right.

Just digit on Google something like: “nederlanders-slechtste-minnaars” and you might find what I’m talking about. What do these 3 Dutch words mean? Basically, that “Dutch men suck in bed (!)”.

With my foreign friends, girls or boys or whatever, we made a few theories in order to explain this very annoying downside of ‘being in Nederland’.

Theories

First theory. “Dutch men are generally tall“. I mean, really tall. In a way that, if you look like a normal guy in your country of origin, you’re just about a 12 years old kiddo here. Which make us, foreigners, feel weird. Maybe they’d rather lie down – like dead bodies with some brightness of vitality left – since they are too tall and get clumsy because of that. You know, they might want to go a bit wild and then they break the chandelier, or something similar… and we all know that they don’t like to show off that often.

Second theory. “They make love like they eat“. This is my favourite! Allow me to go deeper into this. As an Italian, I’m from a country where food is not only something that you put in your body in order to be able to ride your bike till the end of time. It’s communication, it’s care, it’s something deeply connected to the senses. This concept pretty much belongs to all the Mediterranean cultures. As in, you learn how to care and how to make your senses feel things in the same way it happens with learning how to enjoy food to the utmost. To clarify: you hear with your hands, taste with your eyes, smell with your tongue. People that grew up with boiled potatoes and cheese that tastes like wax, might have lost this part.

Third theory. Let’s dig deeper and talk about “the fact that the Nederlands has been a huge colonial empire in the past with slaves”. Slaves serve; they do things for you and you don’t have to give anything back. Well, this is practically what still happens between the sheets. You do your best, but they just lay there. You can jump, dance with empty coconuts on your butt, put the curtains on fire… but nothing happens! You only know they are alive because if you place a mirror in front of their mouth you can see that they’re breathing.

Fourth theory. “Sin“. Another big trouble. What is the sense of sin in Holland? It’s not much. Coming from a country with a strong catholic influence, you learn that ‘sin is bad’. Which means, that it’s exciting! Sin and sexuality are somewhat intertwined with each other. Here sex is seen as something normal, something that is OK. It’s part of being human, the result of a need. Boring. For most of the Mediterranean, sex is ‘hidden’. You do it, but you don’t have to show it around. It’s secret, it’s desirable, it’s dangerous. In other words; it’s a big deal and you taste every inch of it. Here? Naaa…

The last theory, dear readers, is – in a way – still connected to how different “religions have influenced our cultures“. If I say ‘Dutch design’, what image pops up in your mind? Right. Something clean, minimal, with a lot of light, few colours, cold and elegant at the same time. Have you ever seen a church in this country? It’s not that far from this concept. Now think about the Mediterranean architecture: we had something called Baroque, where too much was really not too much. It’s like Britney Spears used to sing: “Gimme More” (by the way, love ya Brit!). Put somebody that grew up in an environment greedy of beauty in one bed with somebody that likes it minimal. Well, I don’t see firestones there!!

Now, at this point some of you might have started thinking that they read lots of bullshit, but as I like to say: lies, truths, who cares?! It’s the best story that wins (and you know I’m right)!

(Photo: Marco Alf)