You’re new to The Netherlands and you want to blend in. This is how you do it!
20 Steps On How To Be Dutch.
- Get yourself a bicycle and break every single rule of the road. Everyone will know you’re a foreigner if you wait at traffic lights.
- Buy as much denim clothing as you can and wear them all at once. Double denim is highly regarded here.
- Always serve coffee with a small biscuit to your guests. If you do not do this, bad things will happen.
- Want to hold a dinner party? Sure! Just make sure your guests know about it at least 6 weeks ahead of time.
- Never show up unexpected – I advise calling your local Albert Heijn to let them know you’re on your way to buy some white asparagus. (Of course do this at least 6 weeks in advance.)
- Tolerance is not simply a virtue, it is a national duty.
- Make sure you keep all your window curtains open, even at night. If you close them you got something to hide!
- Do not look into other peoples houses. Try to avoid eye contact with the owner if you can’t resist a peek.
- The phrase, ‘That is not possible.’ Is how customer service employees say, ‘Hello’ on the phone.
- When you first meet someone, you shake their hand. After that you must greet and depart with three kisses on the cheek of every person in the room.
- At birthday parties you must congratulate everyone who isn’t the birthday boy/girl.
- Start drinking coffee. Even better get a coffee drip inserted into your arm.
- Practice your finger wagging. After a week, your finger will be able to lift a 200lb weight.
- In supermarkets, the ‘red’ milk (karne) is buttermilk. Drink this. (Even if you don’t like it.)
- Tell everyone what you really think and feel. No matter who it is or what you say.
- As soon as the sun is out, get up super early and find the sunniest terrace and stay there all day.
- You must own at least one orange item of clothing, have a flag pole outside your house and have a Dutch flag.
- If you’re stuck in a room with two Dutch people, quickly start a debate with them. You may even start a political party or a movement.
- Make sure to have a bench or a small table immediately outside your front door, even if you have an adequate back garden. Sit here if you didn’t get up early enough to find a spot on a sunny terrace in town.
- If you’re going on holiday, make sure you’re staying in a caravan and take as many Dutch items with you. You don’t want to eat any French cheese when Dutch cheese is perfect.
How Dutch are you then?