Trying to get your message across in a busy household takes work. Getting your children to listen to you is another mountain to climb. Remember that it is a two-way process and learning to honestly talk to each other can really help. Clear conversations can help alleviate conflict and create calm. This article outlines some of the best ways to open communication with your child, whether a tiny tot or a tremendous teen!
We may talk using words but our looks, gestures and actions – and even our silences – also convey a message to our children. Even though we might be tempted to say things like, ‘I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall!’ or ‘Why don’t you talk to me anymore?’ when we’re frustrated with our kids, it’s far more effective (though challenging at times!) to come from a place of love and acceptance. It can be expressed in many ways but the essence of a great conversation is this: ‘You are my child… I love you and want to help you in any way I can. I’m struggling to understand you. What do you need from me?’
Top 10 tips to improve communication
At the end of the day, you know your child better than anyone and you are best placed to help them. Listed below are some pointers to guide you on your way. These tips are especially useful if you lead a mobile lifestyle, as having meaningful chats with your child during times of transition will help deepen your relationship – and, as a result, you’ll both feel stronger.
Listen more than you talk. As philosopher Epictetus once said, ‘We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.’
Empathise with the child and their message. Avoid giving instant solutions to your child. Advice can come later, when/if they ask for it.
Clearly communicate acceptance of the child and what they are trying to say.
Talk with children, rather than at them – facilitate a two-way conversation, rather than giving a lecture. Children of all ages want to be understood, not preached to. They are also far more likely to take your advice on board if they have felt included in the conversation.
Make simple and positive requests, in a one- or two-step process. Do not demand… ask kindly and with respect.
Communicate at eye level, rather than from above. Take a seat together, or crouch down with young ones. This way the communication is both less threatening and more supportive.
Be aware of the cultural situation – if you are raising third culture kids [i.e. children who are growing up outside of their parents’ home culture(s)] make sure you discuss each move with your child and prepare them for it. It is also crucial to remind your teen that friendship and love are never gone; their loved ones from a previous country/school are not gone. Your teen can still communicate via email, Skype, telephone, etc. Encourage your teen to take advantage of online technology.
Reflect on the following (daily, for best results):
- In my interactions with my child today, did I give them a feeling of being accepted and valued?
- How did I connect with my child today? Did I open doors of communication or lose opportunities to do so?
- What will I do tomorrow to keep our communication open and strong?
Gather knowledge and increase your awareness of great parenting techniques. Remember there is no perfect parent, child or family. We all do our best with what we know. Here are some excellent books to start with:
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- Choices: A Calm and Punishment-Free Way to Raise Happy and Confident Children by Robbie Zein
- How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds by Ruth E. Van Reken and David C. Pollock
Remind yourself regularly of all the above steps so you fully grasp and implement them!
Which of the tips above have worked for you? Share in the comments!
Children of all ages want to be understood, not preached to
First published on Expat Nest.